Submitted by throwRA_thissuckss t3_zmp134 in relationship_advice
My boyfriend, "Nate", and I have been together for 4 and a half months, so it's still relatively new. Our relationship progressed pretty quick because of 2 things: we were both recently out of very terrible long-term relationships so it was easy to lean on each other for support, and I accidentally met his daughter very early on.
Nate's daughter is lovely. I adore her. She's autistic and a bit behind with language so she acts younger than 3, but she's an absolute joy to be around. I knew before meeting her that he spanks her on rare occasion and the only boundary I put down about my being around his kid is that I did not want him to spank her around me. He agreed to that and it hasn't been an issue until last night.
She was cuddling up to me on and off after dinner and bit my arm a couple times. Once bad enough for me to verbally go "ouch!" but not any sort of long-lasting pain or anything. I just moved my arm away the first time and got up after she did it a second time 🤷♂️ Nate told her in a stern-but-gentle way to not bite. A few minutes later he was cuddled up to me and his daughter was clambering over out little cuddle puddle, and she bit his arm too.
Nate spanked her as an automatic reaction and it freaked me the fuck out. Like, no hesitation between the being bit and swatting his daughter. It was just 1 smack but that's still more than I think any child should be hit and it was really jarring that not only did it happen in front of me, but also when they were both snuggled up with me. I froze and got very quiet, his daughter ran around crying for a bit, and he gave me space for a while (about an hour) to calm down before we talked.
Two important points about my needing space after that: I was beaten pretty badly by my father on a regular basis as a child, and I am also autistic. When something upsets me very much, I "go nonverbal" and feel like I physically can't talk until I've self-regulated into a calmer headspace. Nate knows all this and was very sweet and gentle about giving me space when he saw how I clammed up after the spanking.
When we talked I initiated it over text because even though we were in the same room, I was struggling to verbalize my feelings about it. I basically just reminded him that I had asked he not do this around me and that I wouldn't see him anymore if it happened again, that redirection and guidance should be the go-to for situations like that, and that his daughter isn't old enough or cognitively able yet to understand why she's being hit. After I got that out we talked a bit verbally and he expressed that he knows (he used the word "knows") I'm right, but that he was also feeling defensive. I decided to head home and we hugged before I left.
We haven't really talked since last night, he sent me a couple snaps today of his daughter lookin' cute and we talked about the snow a little. I'm waiting for him to initiate more conversation about it since I don't want to make him feel attacked ig?
I don't know what to do or say beyond this. I really like him, I love his daughter, I don't want her to be hit, if he keeps spanking her (especially if it happens around me) I am going to leave but I also dont want to leave his daughter without an adult around who will defend her when things like this happen. What do I do? Where do I go from here? Did I handle it ok?
Pro-spanking comments will be very much ignored. Don't hit children.
Edit: I am realizing now after this event, that my asking him to just not spank her around me was a sort of bullshit request. I don't want to be with someone who hits their kid, whether or not I am present for it happening. So I have that thought and feeling to figure out how to communicate when Nate and I talk next.
Edit2: This post has been up for about 4 hours and holy shiiiiit I did not expect this level of response. To bring clarifications I made in the comments up into the post and to address some questions/statements people have:
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I won't consider advice from people stating they're pro-spanking because I don't think kids should be hit, period. There's a boatload of science on how adversely it affects children and some lovely people have linked to a number of these studies in the comments.
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Meeting her so early was an accident, and I followed Nate's lead on what to do after the fact. I know and understand that I met her incredibly early & I plan to do my absolute damndest to avoid meeting a small child so early again if I date another single parent.
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I'm a bit confused about all the accusations of me telling Nate how to parent. Hitting your child is literally illegal in some places and there's a bunch of studies detailing out how it messes with brain development; more than anything all I've done is set a boundary for myself and open a line of conversation to help him learn about that science, it's not like I'm trying to force ideas about how he should feed or play with his daughter. 🤷♂️
Thank you to the small handful of level-headed, nuanced commenters that've given advice. I appreciate you.
UPDATE
Disappointing probably 80% of the comments section here, I have not left him, called CPS, or learned my place as a lowly gf of 4 months.
What I did was send him this post, to read through my POV and all the comments so that we could collaborate on the solution to this together. So many people discouraged communication that it really cemented my feelings of just how important healthy communication about this topic is, especially with someone I would prefer to keep in my life if positive change is possible with this issue here.
I might do a full update when all the talking shakes out, but for now: we're still together, and he's going to try and stop doing this.
Thanks to everyone who gave nuanced advice between the points of "leave him" and "hitting kids is fine, actually". 💖