Submitted by ThrowRA125742790643 t3_11s1b42 in relationship_advice
I(30M) and my partner(28F) have been together for 11 years. Our relationship has always been hot and cold, either really good or really bad.
Since around 5 years ago when we bought our first home some of the dynamics of our relationship have started to plaque me. I pay all the bills, do home improvements, etc. She moved out to her parents a street away during the initial renovations but comes over most days.
The lack of respect she gives me has started to become a real issue for me in light of how much I do by myself. I'll give today as an example.
I've started just getting distance from her whenever she says something disrespectful.
I was driving to the gym and she started mentioning that she wants to get a horse. I recently paid £10,000 for her to have surgery so her talking about buying a horse was already a bit tone deaf. She had adopted a dog before and I had to rent an apartment to house him.
We went back a forth for about 5 minutes about how much the horse would cost, etc. I said she wouldn't be able to afford it in a month of Sundays. She said that other people on minimum wage where she works did, and I said it's more than likely their husbands or family pay for the horse in that scenario.
I eventually ended up saying "Well, I'm not going to be fucking paying for it.". I wasn't loud, just kind of dismissive. She replied "Maybe I need to get a better husband".
I stopped the car, turned it around, and drove home. I don't really want to do anything when she shows me disrespect like this. If the scenario was we both pay 50/50 for everything, then that maybe different. But to me, given how much I do for her, this was just below the level of respect I expect.
Saying that she needs a better husband when I just gave her £10k I just can't abide.
Do you think this is an overreaction?
TLDR: Girlfriend said something disrespectful so I turned the car around and went home.
Edit to add:
A number of common themes have come up in the comments so I'll just address them as an edit as I'm not 100% sure on how Reddit works. Took me like 10 attempts to post this without the mods auto-deleting.
The apartment was where we lived prior to me buying the house. I reference the apartment and the surgery as examples of me bailing her out financially.
The surgery was for diseased fat removal. I had no problem contributing to it as that form of liposuction isn't covered on the NHS. The issue I take with it is she booked the surgery, put down a nonrefundable deposit, and then I had to step in.
To clarify, the issue I have isn't paying for these things: I actually kind of think it's what I'm here for. The issue is that she disrespects me as if I'm some deadbeat doing drugs and living with his parents.
I agree I probably shouldn't have used the words "fucking".
She just got a new job, she has been unemployed for about 4 years. The house was in my name only as I couldn't get a mortgage lender to put hers on, due to my employment situation when I bought the house. I only had a few companies willing to lend to me having just switched jobs, and I couldn't lend the amount necessary with a non-earner's name on the mortgage.
The "husband" and "girlfriend" confusion: She's my girlfriend. She said "Maybe I need a better husband" in response to me saying that her coworkers family and husbands probably pay for their horses.
If I'm perfectly honest, near all the issues in our relationship cropped up as we got older. We had a perfect relationship for the most part until around I hit 25 years old. I took on the responsibilities of an adult, in all respects, and I've not seen it really reciprocated at all. I'd be fine with this if she was appreciative, but she seems to expect the things I do for her now, and it's if I'm the bad guy if I don't.
That's why I made the post. I was wondering if it was toxic to want to get away from her and not carry on as if it hadn't been said.
Thank you all for your responses, they mean a lot.