Submitted by ThrowRA240503 t3_116emje in relationship_advice
Hi! I've never posted on here before, so I'm pretty desperate.
To preface: We've been together 4 years. I'm the outgoing type, he's the shy-er, more introverted type. He's the more depressive, sensitive type, and I'm more open about my feelings and own them. I would say our relationship is 70% good, and we always feel comfortable with each-other. I have always been loyal to him, and have been cheated on by previous boyfriends. He knows I'm bisexual, but upon bringing up the topic of the LGBTQ community recently, he took it upon himself to state that I'm not bisexual as I am dating a man, and that he has never been aware of my sexuality. Bear in mind my ex was a girl, and I've been open about this. He went on a tangent about what he called "the alphabet mafia" continuing to state "those people" don't deserve a month of celebration, and how he didn't know I would (you know what) a girl. He said he supposes that "all those sleepovers with your friends weren't so innocent." This horrified me. I have always been trustworthy and loyal, he has full access to anything on my phone that he desires, and I always give him reassurance and love whenever I know he needs it. I had decided I'd had enough, and asked him to apologise for this, which prompted a quick "idgaf/idc' type response. An apology ensued after momentary silence from myself stating he had said these things because he had had a rough day at work. I decided, due to this and the lack of emotional support I had been receiving over the past few months, I would be taking a break. I sent a paragraph detailing that I still love him and we are still together, but I feel overwhelmed by the homophobia and general lack of trust and would not be speaking to him until "next week Friday" (which was exactly 7 days away). Dolefully, I started taking the time I needed.
The break started two days ago.
Ever since, I have been sent TikToks and good night texts. I had been confused about this, as I felt simultaneously reassured he still loves me, and disrespected. But, the real kicker happened today (Sunday).
Saturday morning I found out I had been charged $130 for a subscription I forgot to cancel the free trial for (Duolingo of all things...) and felt to briefly mention how I was feeling about this to my private story on Snapchat (as I tend to). 3 hours later, I receive a message. I half swipe. He had sent me the $130 I lost. I was elated, as this is the boyfriend I had known and loved, and this is the man I spent 4 years with; Thoughtful, kind, and predominately generous. I feel happy and tell my friends and family, and proceed to take the break thinking that this is the first genuine step at an apology.
Then I get another text 4 hours later. "Wow, you're happy to take my money but won't text me. We need to talk in the morning." I burst into tears. I didn't ask him for the money, nor did I expect it. I was grateful and accepted it as a genuine gesture, only to learn it was dangled over my head as bait and he was now bashing me with it. It hurts more because he knows of my largest point of fear: I never want to seem as if I am only after money, and I never want to appear to be a gold-digger. He knows I worry about that, and used it to try and guilt me. I have switched my phone off since reading the message and am scared he will spam call me in the morning. I didn't reply because I was sticking to my boundary, but now I feel guilty for not messaging to say Thank you. I don't know what to do. If I am honest, I took the break because I was feeling manipulated and guilt tripped consistently throughout our relationship, and I feel like even now when we are on a break, he's still doing it. I don't know what to do when I see him at the end of the break, as I am at my limit.
Is it fair to want to break up? I feel guilty inside as the rest of our relationship has always been good. :( Help.
TLDR: My boyfriend made comments that were homophobic and horrible and apologised saying he'd had a bad day, and now that I've taken a break he won't stop contacting me. I need advice on what steps to take next/how to stand up for myself.